The year is 2012 and the final frontiers are still unexplored. What final frontiers you make ask. The ones in my life. You know how you see these apocalypse movie like "The Day After Tomorrow" or "2012" (irony) and wonder if the world is this badly ruin what happens next?
Thats pretty much been the story of my life. So of course the next logical question would be what really does happens next. My only answer is when you find out can you please let me know.
After a long discussion with my father he finally made me realize that my life is my responsibility and mines alone. Until recently I was still in my "blame everyone except myself" mindset which really didn't help. So naturally it was easier to blame my parents for all my issues and not take any of the responsibility. After some thinking I finally realize my father does have a point. I am officially responsible for myself and the weirdest thing is at 23 you would think that I would know that already but apparently I didn't. Thanks for the wake up call dad!
I decided to take a week and do some honest soul searching not the type that Julia Roberts attempted in "Love, Eat, Pray" but honest soul searching. I didn't travel half way around the world, I didn't visit a mosque or buddhist temple, and as far as I know I haven't converted to some unknown religion. In a hollywood movie after a week I would find an answer, have a plan, happy ending but life is far from hollywood movies. So naturally I'm still confused maybe even a bit more confused than before. Nothing like the present to finally sit down and clear all this confusion out.
Where do I begin? When you have issues in any other aspect of life in order to improve you first have to do an assessment to "assess" where you are in the beginning so you can know where you will end up in the end. Of course if someone said this to me out loud my crisp comeback would be well don't we all end up in the same place at the end, in the ground Duh! Not entirely true for the few of us that decide cremation and the wind carrying our ashes away as the better end. Nevertheless, an assessment would make more sense that diving right in only to make a mess of things. An inventory of my life accomplishments, improvements, and issues or what I like ot call the good, the bad, and the ugly in reference to the cowboy movie starring Clint Eastwood.
To begin my assessment I first looked at the one thing that has consume the last 18 years of my life, my education. Of course when you are a child you have little say so in your education and I'm sure theres a majority of kids who would love to stop going to school. That wasn't an option when I was growing up so I reluctantly attended school everyday like I was suppose to. Then I graduated high school in 2007. Of course at the end of my high school career I felt like I was at a chick flick with a long anticipated end of the two starstruck lovers finally confessing their love for one another. In my case I was confessing my love for freedom finally, but as most kids who dread going to school everyday they also have those mothers that encourage them to continue their education.
Mothers the eternal beings that help give us the very life that we live today. I love my mother but we are night and day completely. I love her for encouraging me to continue my education by going to college but the honest truth is I needed a break. There's a saying that your parents know you better than you know yourself but I truly believe we all reach an age where we know whats best for ourselves. Of course I didn't want to disappoint my mother but litte did I know the person that I was really disappointing was myself.
Once I became an adult I no longer need to seek permission from my parents to do thing and to not do things. That was my decision to make and mines alone. I didn't know that until now or maybe I did I was just too afraid to face the realization that I am responsible for myself. Either way the only person to blame for my actions is myself and I must live with them. My life isn't all bad though considering the fact that I have a bachelor's of science in mathematics I would say it came out alright despite the facts. Nevertheless this is not what I had anticipated for myself at all. I always thought I would be young, healthy, vibrant, fearless instead I feel like a 40 year old George Constanza trying to recapture his youth. Regardless of how I felt my next destination was inevitable, college here I come.
College that institution where all dreams come true and opportunities are endless or so it seems. Despite the fact that I needed a break I was excited to go to college with new people, new environment, AWAY from home. I think it has always been a dream of mines to attend an big university in a big city somewhere. Its ironic how people who grow up in big cities usually navigate to smallers towns, and people who grew up in smaller towns usually navigate to bigger cities. I believe it has something to do with that "the grass is greener on the other side" effect. I was one those people who grew up in a small town and dream of big cities with night lights, broadway, and celebrities.
It has always been a dream of mines to go to a big city right after high school. I always thought if I stuck around in my small town that it would absorb me forever and I would never been able to get away like some big green alien blob or something. I got accepted in a college but it wasn't in a big city it was in a big town but it wasn't my town which was good enough for me. During those days I was indecisive and beyond confuse. If I was lost I didn't know, thats how lost I really was. I got cold feet decided not to go to the college and ended up right where I didn't want to be in the first place, back at home.
I attended a small college in my hometown and hated every minute of it. Looking back I've come to realize it wasn't the school that I hated but the fact that I let myself down. It may seem like I'm taking pity of myself but this is all apart of the assessment process. Acknowledging feelings I wasn't willing or didn't realize until now. This wasn't my dream or my plan but I always believe that we serve a much bigger plan and that why our plans don't always work out. Nevertheless, I was a big disappointment to myself when really I just didn't want to be a disappointment to my family. I felt I had the weight of the world on my shoulders but this is the problem with seeking approval from others.
As evidence or how much I hated my college I gained the freshman 15 plus 3 by the time I was a sophomore becoming a junior. Hitting my all time highest, or so I thought 180 from a nice but still not good enough 162. I cut off all my shoulder length hair and I tried everything from legal to illegal. I thought I was trying to find myself but really I was just coping with my current situation. I always felt this void like something was missing and I finally have come to terms with the fact that it was me all along. I was what was missing I was there but not mentally or spiritually or even emotionally I was just existing.
In college there were "unspoken" promises of success, employment, and money. I never physically heard these promises they were implied so of course not knowing what to believe I believe them. Four years later, I feel like a tourist walking down New York City who just bought fool's gold from a street jeweler only to be mug later on down the street by the same guy. I'm in graduate school, I'm majoring in a good field, you would think I have the ideal life but I'm still so unhappy. I can no longer blame anyone else for my unhappiness it my responsibility and mines alone.
The summer after I graduated with my bachelor's I went to a stressful situation still confused and unhappy that only resulted in me rebelling even more. After the surprise death of a love one and stress from work I did the only thing I could think of. I cope the best way I know how which is eating and changing my hair, since my weight fluctated worse than the stock market in a recession. I gain 26 more pounds at an all time high, hopefully this is it, of 206. Bald headed, obese, and still unhappy I did the only thing I could do, went back to school. When I was an undergrad I had this running joke that if this college thing don't work out then I can always try stripping. Well that joke is no longer funny since I'm obese and my father has diabetes, neither is strippers with stretch marks.
The year is 2012 I'm still obese, my hair did grow back, and I'm still unhappy so the question is what happens next?
